the brain — an apparatus with which we think we think.

i’ve always wanted to say more than what people are prepared to hear, which leads to unilateral rambling on my part.
sadly, the crux of communication lies in its bilateral nature, blurred further by an occasional barrier of hypocrisy that people sub-consciously erect and the humanistic tendency for selective listening.

i have all the answers to the questions people never ask. but who cares?
the unfortunate truth that plagues me all the time is that what matters — ultimately — is what you show you have, not what you have.

i surround myself with people to displace the emotional vacuum in my hollowed heart.
yet, somehow, seeing others smile just makes me all the more lonely.

it’s cyclically unhealthy.

the last few days (or weeks, if you must) were dominated mostly by a mix of lethargy, rare ardour and a proclivity to sleep late, slack, and basically wade blithely across a pool of languor as if nothing else mattered;

i am seriously throwing caution to the wind these days.
need. to. stop. being. whimsical.

need a sense of focus amidst a backcloth of emotional-rollercoasterish feelings
need to wash away unclear ideas and refresh the mind
need to lose weight,
need to stop listening to britney which i suspect has something to do with the palpable atrophy of my intellect

most of all need to brace myself for a post-ord life fraught with dangers and uncertainties
AND NEED FOR REASON TO REGAIN DOMINION OF THE MIND

omg that’s a really long to-need list.
actually, really need to catch some sleep
but i suspect the tea from dinner is keeping me really…wide awake.

today, i went for an endoscopy. the doctor stuck a tube, with a camera on its end, from my nose into my throat and wiggled it around to view my throat. why? because i think i might have swallowed a fish bone;
turns out it was paranoia at play.

still, there’s a nagging discomfort.

music| weezer, pork and beans

i’m often gripped by fear, insecurity and paranoia; whichever grips me at any particular instance hinges on the state of affairs i’m exposed to — but the general rule remains that i’m constantly experiencing either of these 3 emotions.

i have predicated my life thus far on seeking the agreement of others, which is why i attribute the way my life has been charted thus far to the opinions of others. opinions can take a direct or indirect form; the former being my father’s ever-so-wise admonishments and the latter being, inter alia, verbal discourse among my acquaintances which, sadly, has a significant bearing on my decisions and choices.

all this need for satisfaction and need to satisfy have tired me.
i’m honestly so, so tired.

其实，我只想取得大家的认同。

leading my priorities currently is a sincere desire to keep, or achieve, a pristine state of mind.
for i would do well to unclog it.

i have a particular penchant for making decisions entrenched in a sort of ambivalence, which is in fact a corollary of how my life has always been quite confused.

i seek pardon yet i do not grant pardon,
i need friends to tolerate my bitchfest without my having to tolerate theirs.

the unfortunate thing is, life cannot, should not be a bed of roses.
sometimes i wish i could shut out the world and cloister myself within a bubble, but this, upon re-evaluation seems far from wise.

i wish people could understand how confused i am; i’m really quite confused to the point of confusing the concept of “confusion”.
really, what constitutes confusion?

yes, i refuse to update this page.

because i have several better things to do, than ramble indefinitely.
but life’s been good, thus far.

cambridge confirmed my place via ucas, i have just risen one level to super laojiaoness, and mostly things have been quite fine at camp.

i wonder how long i can keep this positive outlook in life!
actually the sentence above had already veered off into negativity, if you haven’t noticed already.

music| sherwood, the best in me (thanks spds!)

i hope it was a one-off instance that i only managed to do 3 pull-ups just now; but regardless it’s utterly tragic how a marked reduction in gym visits took its toll so quickly.

I AM SO DEPRESSED!
really, really.