the brain — an apparatus with which we think we think.

the travesties i’m living everyday haunt me in my sleep everyday.
the people, scenes, and conversations repeat endlessly like a broken video tape.

i wake up with a huge sigh, wondering why i’m infinitely unhappy; and then cursing myself for the self-banishment i chose to endure.
i am so, so disillusioned… tired of life’s little struggles that permeate our lives ever so stealthily.

the typicality of my doubts disgust me, the predictability of my nightmares nauseate me.
it’s like i’ve halted indefinitely in a standstill of personal growth, immaturely pondering consequences and circumstances which have far, far been etched in stone.
the funniest thing is, given a switch of places, i’m not sure if i will be at all happier.

i think i’ve pretty much accustomed to the fake smiles that are necessary for day-to-day interactions, to mask the inherent unhappiness of life.
i remember i valiantly denied the “hypocrite” label during the johari window at obs, not because i wasn’t one; but because i was deathly afraid of being called one.
calling a hypocrite a hypocrite represents a stark failure in the hypocrisy, for the real hypocrites escape with the sincerest facades which people fail to detect.

i need courage, strength and mental resilience. i need to look forward, not backwards.