the brain — an apparatus with which we think we think.

okay seems like i’ve gotten a semi-grip on my life at this moment.
no more immature, nihilistic, self-destructive, non-constructive rants;
no more warbled thoughts,no more sheepish apologies, no more sneaking around in the silhouettes of others.

i have set clear goals for myself, (though they’re not in view),
i will work harder.

less of being the sheep, more of being the shepherd.
less of being outshone, more of outshining others.

okay im really, genuinely confused about where my moral compass should point now.
i’ve started off convincing myself that solitude far beats the hypocritical relations that dominate our friendships in today’s times;
i’ve semi-prided myself in defeating the conformist, contrived climate of smiles, cheeriness and laughter which we’re compelled to live in,
i’ve been quite the misanthrope, pondering the excesses and sheer worthlessness of human affection,

but all this, all this self-destructive nihilism is perhaps just a nice utopian vision i construct to evade the harsh truth that i’m facing: i repulse people.
i am aloof, i dodge and shirk, i emanate negativity, i am downright defeatist.
hauntingly as it may be, perhaps all i really need is the opposite of whatever i’ve championed for — the maudlin core of human contact.