the brain — an apparatus with which we think we think.

today was remarkably… mortifying.

it’s the same old story, the same old scene, the same old emotions, unfurling in a different space and time – that’s about it. i tried to convince myself otherwise, but we all know this needless soul-searching and reflections would arrive at the same conclusion, as before.

i’m extremely weak. and we’ve been through this many times before, i believe. i don’t know why i have to humiliate myself time and again by being the typecast weakling of the century, not being able to do this, nor that, nor punch him in the face. and i know myself, i was not restraining. that was myself at my maximum capacity. and wow, so pitifully little came out of something so grand-sounding like maximum capacity.

i don’t know what i can do anymore. but i’m increasingly aware of what i can’t do. and vis-à-vis this constant lack of competence, i’m not sure why the hell i’m doing here. i’m a nice person, granted, but niceness doesn’t seem to count for anything in this century, does it?

i need strength… gosh, i really need strength. i can’t just cower in a corner like some pathetic little kitten, and expect to be sympathized. and expect everything to be okay. it doesn’t work anymore. the pathetic card has never really worked, in the first place, but its ineffectualness is all the more accentuated in the competitive climate i’m living in currently.

i keep asking myself questions but i never search for answers, because i’m too lethargic to do so. so, really, (and we’ve been through this plenty times before), i am to blame. really. i don’t know what to say or think anymore; so maybe i should get back to my lousy weak life and slither past everyday like i do. or maybe, miraculously, i can rise above the doldrums and uncover what heroic side of me as yet undiscovered. (the latter sounds ridiculous.)

i need consolation. i need people to ask me, “hey, you doin’ fine?”; 93912 times a day. that’s how i get by. i wish people could see some value in me, but back again, i’m not giving them any reason to do so.

so honestly, i don’t know why i deserve the right to ask for anything anymore. i can’t be passive, all the time. i can’t be feeble, no, that’s not going to get me anywhere.

yeah, yeah, i can’t i can’t i can’t
this constant refrain is really nothing new.

why did i even bother.
fuck it all.