the brain — an apparatus with which we think we think.

What other Supreme Court decisions do you disagree with?

Uhmm, -sheepish smile-, tsk, well let’s see, there’s… (resigned sigh — thoughts in palin’s head: AHHH YOU PUT ME IN A SPOT KATIE.)

of course, in the great history of America, there have been rulings that uhm there’s never gonna be absolute consensus by every American, and uhm…again there are those issues again like Roe v Wade where I believe are best held on a state level and addressed there, so, uhm, you know, going through the history of America, there…there would be others, but uhm…

Can you think of any?

Well, I would think of.. of.. any again that could be best dealt with on a more local level, maybe I would take issue with, but uhm, you know as a mayor and then as a governor and even as a vice president if I’m so privileged to serve, would be in a position of changing those things but in supporting the law of the land as it reads today.

I AM SO SORRY.
I NEVER MEANT TO APPEAR TO DO WHATEVER YOU THOUGHT I APPEAR TO HAVE DONE.
… what the fuck have i actually done?

i just want to navigate myself out of the awkwardness safely.
i dont need to be compelled to tread softly on the lines you’ve drawn,
i dont need to live by your definition of what i’m curtailed to do
i dont need all this attention.

PLEASE>
i just wanna crawl back in my shell.

OH LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE
YOUVE MADE A FOOL OF EVERYONE
OH WELL, IT SEEMS LIKE SUCH FUN
UNTIL YOU LOSE WHAT YOU HAD WON.

i really need to expel all the insane jealousy within me and the accompanying grass-is-totally-greener-on-the-other-side mentality.
the choices i regret not making…
are the very choices which propelled me towards the choices i regret making.

roar. regret is a nasty emotion.

i’ve been watching your world from afar,
i’ve been trying to be where you are,
i’ve been secretly falling apart –

i should stop being so analytical. life needs to be taken with a pinch of salt.

okay seems like i’ve gotten a semi-grip on my life at this moment.
no more immature, nihilistic, self-destructive, non-constructive rants;
no more warbled thoughts,no more sheepish apologies, no more sneaking around in the silhouettes of others.

i have set clear goals for myself, (though they’re not in view),
i will work harder.

less of being the sheep, more of being the shepherd.
less of being outshone, more of outshining others.

okay im really, genuinely confused about where my moral compass should point now.
i’ve started off convincing myself that solitude far beats the hypocritical relations that dominate our friendships in today’s times;
i’ve semi-prided myself in defeating the conformist, contrived climate of smiles, cheeriness and laughter which we’re compelled to live in,
i’ve been quite the misanthrope, pondering the excesses and sheer worthlessness of human affection,

but all this, all this self-destructive nihilism is perhaps just a nice utopian vision i construct to evade the harsh truth that i’m facing: i repulse people.
i am aloof, i dodge and shirk, i emanate negativity, i am downright defeatist.
hauntingly as it may be, perhaps all i really need is the opposite of whatever i’ve championed for — the maudlin core of human contact.

i am so tired of being cordial.

i’m sick of being the calm, cool, collected, nondescript, tagging-along goody-two-shoes; i’ve been suppressing my urge to just YELL and TOTALLY GO WHINY AND BITCHING ABOUT LIFE.
i need to break down. i dont have an armor of courage, im not brave, im infinitely feeble; i feel like i just dont… fit in.

IM NOT COOL.
IM NOT CALM.
IM NOT COLLECTED.

I JUST NEED TO SCREAM. I CAN NO LONGER FAKE A SMILE ANYMORE.
and the worst part?

ALL MY FACADES ARE NOT PAYING OFF AT ALL.
SO MUCH FOR PR.

…
sometimes i dont know why i even bother acting.

i have a weird penchant for veering off on a tangential rant on (excessive) self-psychoanalysis that is both worthless and inconsequential. nobody cared, cares, or will care.

and of late i’ve been drowning myself in quixotic visions of could-have-beens and should-have-beens — a distinct departure from the reality i am compelled to endure.
at times i’ve felt a clinging urge to take a plunge and leave the forest of bygones i’ve trapped myself in;

but all that sounds… impossible.

i’ve always wanted to say more than what people are prepared to hear, which leads to unilateral rambling on my part.
sadly, the crux of communication lies in its bilateral nature, blurred further by an occasional barrier of hypocrisy that people sub-consciously erect and the humanistic tendency for selective listening.

i have all the answers to the questions people never ask. but who cares?
the unfortunate truth that plagues me all the time is that what matters — ultimately — is what you show you have, not what you have.

i surround myself with people to displace the emotional vacuum in my hollowed heart.
yet, somehow, seeing others smile just makes me all the more lonely.

it’s cyclically unhealthy.

the last few days (or weeks, if you must) were dominated mostly by a mix of lethargy, rare ardour and a proclivity to sleep late, slack, and basically wade blithely across a pool of languor as if nothing else mattered;

i am seriously throwing caution to the wind these days.
need. to. stop. being. whimsical.

need a sense of focus amidst a backcloth of emotional-rollercoasterish feelings
need to wash away unclear ideas and refresh the mind
need to lose weight,
need to stop listening to britney which i suspect has something to do with the palpable atrophy of my intellect

most of all need to brace myself for a post-ord life fraught with dangers and uncertainties
AND NEED FOR REASON TO REGAIN DOMINION OF THE MIND

omg that’s a really long to-need list.
actually, really need to catch some sleep
but i suspect the tea from dinner is keeping me really…wide awake.